I’d like to break a real taboo at this point, and raise a few questions that the pro-sex people consistently evade. Where do these sadistic and masochistic fantasies come from? To borrow from Simone de Beauvoir, are they born or are they made? Are they really agents of our liberation? If we are aroused by them, does it automatically follow that we are empowered by them?
To begin to answer these questions, we have to look beyond the fantasies themselves to the culture in which they develop. It is not just coincidence that they imitate the violence men do to women and girls. Think about the implications for our sexuality of the following statistics: More than a third of us were sexually abused as children (Russell, 1984). For many of us, our first sexual experience was a sexual assault. Forty-four percent of us will be raped (Russell, 1984). The environment in which we learn about and experience our bodies and sexuality is a world not of sexual freedom but of sexual force. Is it any surprise that it is often force that we eroticize? Sadistic and masochistic fantasies may be part of our sexuality, but they are no more our freedom than the culture of misogyny and sexual violence that engendered them."
Dorchen Leidholdt, “When Women Defend Pornography”
*epic eye roll*
It’s one of the least taboo things in the world to wonder if, why, and how it is kinksters and kinky sex workers in particular are fucked up. We get asked about it constantly. But let me go ahead and answer your boring-ass questions anyway:
1. Where do these sadistic and masochistic fantasies come from? I’m going to assume you’re using ‘sadistic and masochistic’ to mean ‘kinky’. There is no one answer, but the explanation with the most scientific evidence is that sexual preference is caused by a combination of psycho-sociological factors that vary person to person. For me personally the answer includes systemic injustice and interpersonal abuse. For others it doesn’t. For example, most masochists simply process sensation differently, neurologically and/or psychologically. That is, they do not experience what you would call ‘pain’ to be painful the way you assume.
2. To borrow from Simone de Beauvoir, are they born or are they made? They’re probably made, not born. You know, like most of the rest of our preferences.
3. Are they really agents of our liberation? Sexual preferences— kinky or otherwise— are not themselves ’agents of liberation’, but having satisfying consensual sex without shame is very much a necessary component of liberation.
4. If we are aroused by them, does it automatically follow that we are empowered by them? No.
5. Is it any surprise that it is often force that we eroticize? No, of course not.
Now I have some questions for you: What’s your point? Do you think kinksters aren’t having these conversations? Do you think sex workers and porn performers in particular aren’t having these conversations? Would you like us to walk around with cards saying ‘I recognize my sexuality and/or job is not in and of itself a radical thing’ to hand out to concerned vanilla feminists? If not, at what point are we allowed to stop explaining ourselves to you? Have you tried reading anything by sex radical feminists or kinky feminists or sex working feminists? Can you stop acting like you’re intersting and new and write about your own fantasies and jobs please?
Those were mostly rhetorical. The correct answer to all of them is for you to fuck off.(via loriadorable)
"For some reason, the idea of having sex with someone just to get off is revolutionary. I mean, you must want more, right? How could you not? Um, because you don’t? Not everyone we sleep with is BF/GF material and that’s okay. If we don’t develop feelings for someone, it doesn’t make us a slut or a Samantha; it makes us human. I would love to see a movie get made where two good friends bone every once in awhile and nothing ever happens as a result of it. The friendship goes on, life goes on. They just occasionally find themselves in each other’s sex neighborhood. Wait, just kidding. Don’t make that movie. It sounds really boring."
"If I don’t have a woman for three days, I get terrible headaches"
"Look, I like naked women! I’m a bloke! I’m supposed to like them! We’re born like that. We like naked women as soon as we’re pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal, we’re already enjoying the view. Look, it’s the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like: naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a bloke is. And if you don’t like it, darling, join the film collective. Look: I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of the table here. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that’s what being a boy is. When Man invented fire, he didn’t say "Hey, let’s cook!" He said: "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!" As soon as Caxton invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of - hey! - naked bottoms. We’ve turned the Internet into an enormous international database of… naked bottoms. So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I’m not so sure how insulted you really ought to be."
"But the problem with slut-shaming goes way beyond the problem of a double-standard. It’s not just that men and women both engage in slutty behavior and therefore no one has a right to throw stones—it’s that there is nothing wrong with slutty behavior (or, as I like to call it, behavior) in the first place."